Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Analysing my Pee-er Group

Well, before you think that this is a boring article on my co-workers or friends or any other group I hang around with, let me tell you its not.

This blog is the culmination of years of astute observation. It is the first attempt to segment people on the basis of their peeing style! (Why would I want to do something like this? Well because I can!)

To be fair, I am not calling this the ‘ultimate’ the pee-er group analysis because I do not have inputs from my female friends on the different styles of women peeing. So this is totally a male thing. However, if any of you want to add the female perspective, please do!

Ok so here goes:

1.) The GROANER: The most common species. Lets out this gut wrenching groan the minute the piss hits the urinal. Can usually be seen with a beer bottle for some time before the act. Usually ends with a staggered sigh.

2.) The SPITTER: A relatively common species. He spits into the urinal as he pees. Its like a ritual. His bladder and the mouth waters at the same time and there is this urgent need to discharge from both.

3.) The WHISTLER: A fairly rare species now a days. Starts making the "ssssss" noises to induce piss. Then suddenly realizes what he is doing, and so to cover up starts whistling some really idiotic tune. To be strictly avoided in any public loo. The whistling tune has an uncanny ability to get stuck in your head!

4.) The WIGGLER: Again a common species. Ends his piss with an uncontrollable spasm that runs along the whole length of his spine. He convulses, writhes, bucks, and breathes hard trying to control the waves of pleasure that are cruising through his body.

5.) The GARDENER: Named so because of his swaying hosing style. While standing on the urinal, you will find him swaying lightly side to side, with a beatific smile on his face. He really likes to water!

6.) The ‘JIGYASU BALAK’: The most irritating of them all. Typically you will find them in office. You are pissing, all by yourself. This fellow will sneak up to the empty one next to you and start a conversation, like "aur bata, kya chal raha hai?" or "tera meeting kaisa gaya?" They will insist on discussing important strategic matters while both of you are standing with your dick in your hands!

7.) The FARTER: The most obnoxious of them all. Somehow relaxes a bit too much while peeing I think. Is related to GROANER, most Groaners become Farters as the day progresses.

8.) The PEEPER: We have all seen him. The one who casually steals a peep thinking no one is watching. We are always watching, you fucking loser!

9.) The CHOKER: He is the one who has entered the urinal cubicle (or the urinal enclosure or whatever that thing is in a ‘Gents Toilet’) and chokes because you have walked in more confidently just next to him. You will find him staring intently at his own dick, but not hear a single tinkle of pee. They just can't pee under pressure of performance.

10.) The RABBLE ROUSER: He is the noisy guy. When he pees, he aims for the middle of the water in the commode or the drain in the urinal and you can hear him for miles. He just likes to listen to himself pee. Loud, but largely harmless and usually is a bit of a show off and attention hungry.

There are two more, but I am struggling with the nomenclature a bit. I will update this in a while. Add in, if you have some species you would like to report.


shaswati said...

This defintely reminds me of college days when all the boys used to go for "pee-ing" and call out to each other if anybody interested in going for "aikya"! Am sure you have done a lot of that, and so the insightful analysis...

Shome said...

"aikya"? I missed that. This is new breakthrough on the subject.

Actually I thought only women go to pee in pairs and groups. Guys are pretty much lone wanderers in urinary matters.